i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
