got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
