never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
