Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
