see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
