Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
