If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
