just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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