I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
