Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
