hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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