i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
