I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Randomize
