All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
