Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
