I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
