i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
