Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
