I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
