we made out on top of his cat.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
