Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
