I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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