I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
