The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
