Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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