He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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