I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
