I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He kissed a someone with a penis
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
