Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize