It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
