im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize