I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
