Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
