i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
