I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
