You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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