I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
