Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The air was thick with penises
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
