I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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