We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
