1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
