You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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