I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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