the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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