i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
