So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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