i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
