I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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