Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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