Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
