While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The struggles of a small town man whore
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize