If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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