Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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