my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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