bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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