I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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