i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
